Monday, April 26, 2010

You never know when love will find you

Sometime back when I was around twelve years old, I joined a new school for my eighth grade in a new place, bit far from my native place. There I met a girl and there was something that attracted me towards her and after sometime I have fallen in love with her like crazy. I loved her so much and I desperately wanted to be with her. Unfortunately, she didn't belong to my section and I loved watching her during our prayer hours, during class breaks, and in the van, which dropped us back and forth from school to home everyday. She was so reserved, calm, controlled, matured, inexpressive, a good tempered, peculiar, unapproachable and for most of the times unpredictable yet lovable. She better knew how much I loved her but somehow she maintained a distance from me. It was a time, when I longed for love and wanted to be loved by someone.

I was only there in that place for an year. I felt terrible on our last day at school. I felt so much pain for leaving her in that place. I sat beside her in the van and only wished, this moment should never come to an end. But in vain, the moment of pain came right in front of me and she need to say goodbye. She just turned and looked at me to say bye, but just by seeing tears flowing down my cheek, she said nothing and went home. I don't know what she felt then, but typing it here even after all these years, I could feel the tears bulging out of my eyes now. From then, we continued as a long distance relationship, we talked over phone often, I wrote her name all over my place and in my things, wrote letters, then her wedding happened early, she switched places and after sometime we lost in track of each other and eventually I lost her...

She gave me so much dreams and it was so wonderful to dream about her. One day when I was in ninth grade I pulled a paper and wrote something in English about her, I should say I scribbled and showed that to my friend. My friend was so sweet, she read it and appreciated me for what I wrote then. I am pretty sure that paper hold nothing other than something silly then. Started from then, I developed this habit of writing about what I have it in my mind. The result of it was when I was in college at the end of the first year, I missed someone so dearly then and wrote about her on the wall of my hostel room before leaving the place. I was told later that few girls in my hostel loved those wordings on the wall and kept coming to my room to have a glimpse of it.

People close to me better know how much I love dreaming. It all started from this person who gave me so much emotions and dreams even at that age. I enjoy my dreams and I even developed a beautiful love story out of it and its nice to hold it for more than a decade.

Very lately, someone appreciated me for being so expressive with people and almost patted me for that quality. I could only smile, because I used to be a terrible person when it came to expression before. It happened with her where I could not able to express my love towards her and the result was I started hurting myself too much. I simply don't understand still why I did all those things at that time. Someone of my nature who scares to death of even an injection shot and can never even stand the scene of any burns or a small blood in the hospital could do such a physical damage, its astonishing. The scar I hold till date is so visible and I have been answering it too often in my life. Only my close ones knew the truth behind it and with others they simply don't deserve the story behind it or at least that's what I believe. Now right here I have the guts and honesty to reveal it to you all about it. Interestingly, the only person who did not seen this scar so far in my life is only her!

Whenever I pass through her place especially the school in which I met her, I feel the stream of tide inside me wanting to see her and meet her once again. The longings are so deep and I often feel so nostalgic of the beautiful time I had spend with her. There was absolutely nothing we shared much at that age as she kept the distance from me. But still those wonderful moments of been with her keeps coming back to me even after all these years and even after my wedding. Its been more than twelve years and I haven't heard or seen her for all these years...

Honestly, I was scared to search her all these years though her thoughts never left me. I was scared that she might have changed over the years. I missed her so much at times. Eventually when I made up my heart to give it a try, I was not lucky. After coming to US I tried in Orkut but that didn't help me either. Last year, just before visiting my native place I tried again and I was unsuccessful again. After some two and half months stay in my native, I came back to US and on the fourth day when I searched in Orkut I saw a profile with her photo! There was this feeling of lump which stuck in my throat and I am sure I felt the ripple effect in my heart. It was such an emotional roller coaster ride I ever had in my life.Then with all my might, I left her several messages wanting to make sure it was her. I was so nervous, impatient and I am sure God must have went crazy for my pleadings on that night for it has to be the first of a kind from me. I didn't sleep that night and with all my prayers I opened my mail box to see that most delighted answer, 'YES'! That moment was simply priceless. I almost felt like I was born again and suddenly the whole world became so beautiful.

Interestingly, it was exactly the time when I was so badly hurt and lost faith with anyone in my life, I simply withered away being friendly with anyone anymore. Alexander Graham Bell once said, 'When one door closes, another door opens'. I not only closed my doors for anyone, I locked myself alone and intentionally lost the keys so that none could reach me or break open my doors not in the name of love. It was the same time like a storm which had no control over humans or our thoughts I found her! Love opened doors yet again, when I least expected it in my life.

She's just the same person in character even after all these years, as always a wonderful daughter, a good wife and a proud mom for two wonderful kids. Now the distance between us is even more terrible and the long distance relationship continues even fonder. If I ever have to complain being in US anytime, then it has to be only for her for being so far from her.

Someone said love is my passion. I believe its true. Only love drives my life. I was denied of it most of the times in my life and I strongly believe you will realize the true value of love only when you are denied of it. The passion for love started from her. She gave me so much emotions even at that age. I recently met a kid of that age and was shocked by her innocence. I don't think no kid at that age shows so much emotion in life. I really wish I have an answer for why I have fallen in love with this person even as a kid.

One of the best compliment I ever received and I will always treasure in my life came from a friend recently who appreciated me for being such a wonderful lover and there can be none like me. I was just taken aback by her kind words. What more can I ask for in life? I have come a long way to hear it. I will strive to give even more to deserve her words. To my friend, who was so sweet to appreciate my love, I would like to show this person sometime, with whom I fell in love and from whom it all started as a passion.

And there are people who criticize me and often feel mad at me for breaking any kind of relationship in my life, I better want to keep it clean here. I was the person who loved this person so passionately then and I was the same person who lost her intentionally once and followed by God's will, I lost her for some twelve years! Well, I don't believe in sticking with a person and hurting each other too much at hard times. If it doesn't works out, try to give some space between each other so that time heals and you almost forget the issue and come back refreshing one another. Trust me, it works. Betrayal is different from what I am talking right here.

To someone who showed what love is, for those beautiful butterflies in my stomach, for such an emotional experience even as a kid, for those wonderful world of dreams with eyes wide open, for the patience I learnt to wait still more for you, for my love for music, for being an expressive person at the moment, for the magical feeling which gets going on and on, for the innocence and unconditional love I learnt, for all the longings and for all the love I have it in me, I owe you so much in life and I love you so much. It all started from you and let it end with you. I heard recently 'The greatest love story ever told is your own!'. Very true. I am so happy that we are destined to be together now and I adore you so much. You mean a world to me.

I am looking forward to meeting her in future after all these years for the first time and if that happens then that would be an ultimate moment in my life. Especially meeting her daughter would be an emotional moment in my life. Please wish me luck. The joy of finding someone long lost is an incredible experience, which cannot be simply described in words but has to be felt inside you. Its an lifetime experience which has to be treasured.

For those of you reading this post, I wish you a lifetime of love on earth and may love find your way. Remember as long as you are truly happy with yourself, no one can tell you how to write your love story. Live your life with lots and lots of love.


  1. Dear akila,
    Happy to see ur heartly words.when i read this i really remembered our school days.Thank you for recollecting the evergreen treasures.Very nice and truthful words.The way you narrated really marvelous.Good Luck My FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Thank you so much Suganthi. Our school days simply rocks. Our good time in School bus, Lunch hours, Class breaks, language classes, just goes on and on. I really miss it.